Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Cutting Grass

   Rain patters outside my window. I hustled, but the grass got trimmed, although not edged. I get so many odd looks when I toodle around on my riding mower. Don't know if people think I am brave to ride such a thing or crazy to have one without the acreage to go with it. The kids think it is great though and it saves me a little time, which is a precious thing. To be fair it was a gift to my late husband, from his co-workers. They knew he had mobility issues in his last days and our old mower was giving up the ghost on us. They did a pass the hat at work and showed up one evening with it in the back of a trailer. He was shocked, embarrassed and pleased as punch all at the same time. He thought that they were coming by to take our older mower and have its deck re-welded. That eventually did get done as well, but the riding mower was a heart-felt gift that gives me great joy.
   Thunder rumbles. Good thing I got done fast! The first time I tried to use the riding lawn mower was a sight to see. Hmm. I was almost in tears. While I have had some lessons in standard vehicles, that was not enough for me to wrap my head around making this piece of equipment go on that day. I put the key in the ignition and turned it, with no response. I read all the stickered instructions plastered all over the place at my feet and tried again. This time I pushed the clutch peddle in and turned the key. I got a rumble, but still could not get it to fire. I tried again, and again. I re-read the instructions and looked at all the levers and handles. I felt small and powerless, as I struggled with making this machine come to life. I wanted so badly to take control of my life and accomplish something all by myself. I got angry. I got teary. I got nothing more than a puff of smoke and noise. Just when I wanted to burst into tears and kick the object that was reeking havoc on my life and brittle self-esteem a voice said,
   "Hello Kathy."
   I looked up. Normally I don't go by Kathy (always been a Katherine), so I knew it was not someone I knew well. My elderly  neighbour was ambling across the road. He had been watching me attempting to get the mower going and saw that I was loosing the battle. He is a kindly man in his eighties that had lost his wife a few years back. Now he lived alone, but still gets around. I noticed he was out trimming his bushes, as I cut my grass this morning. Hugs to you Larry! Anyway, that day Larry made a little small talk.
   "It looks like you are having a little trouble there," he said.
    I hung my head and admitted my incompetence. The man is so sweet and I think his kindness that day came from a compassion born of our kinship. He knew grief and could see it all over me. My problem was the mower, but the bigger problem was learning how to live again without the appendage that was my spouse.  Brad had always cut the grass previously with our riding mower. I was well-versed in a push mower, but had nothing to fall back on to help me in this new task at hand. There was no one I could turn to in my house to ask for help or to hand the task over  to. You see, my tears were not over the fact that I could not get the mower to work. My tears were another manifestation of loss and grief. I was alone. I wanted to be able to function, but at every turn realized that a piece of my life, a piece of me was gone. The mower was a reminder and at that moment in time, I could not go it alone. I needed help, but did not know how to ask or even who to ask. Truly, I did not want to have to  ask for help. I felt like I required help every step of the way and it just seemed to beat me down. On that day, a guardian angel appeared in the form of my 85 year-old neighbor and he gave me the help I needed graciously. 
    Now I feel the windows are not full of rain, but clouded by tears with this memory. I have had so many beautiful people step into my life at moments of need. Sometimes they step in for a moment, like Larry did. Other times they have held my hand for days, weeks and months. Still others will walk with me for the years that I call a lifetime. I do not know why I thought of this today, other than that I had to cut the grass. Most days I am pretty stable and happy with life. I managed to winterize the mower myself this past winter. I cut the grass whenever it needs without a bat of an eye. I know that I will be hit by moments of grief on occasion and that will continue for a long time to come. Always I will have that experience of loss there. The sorrow that goes with it lessens over time. This I have been told and know from my own experiences. Today, I remember as I watch the rain. Hopefully I will let it go this afternoon, as I breathe and lay my head on the yoga mat. Namaste. 

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Horse of Course

I live on a quiet little crescent 
that goes nowhere fast.
We've one way in,
one way out
and
apparently
that is good enough 
for a man and his horse
to go for an afternoon adventure on.
Who would have guessed?

Seven Ravens?

Whew! What a day. I feel like I haven't slowed down and won't have time to for a while. When and how did this happen, I wonder to myself? One day I am bobbing along doing not much of anything, the next...

Wham! Go, go, go! 

The regular routines of getting the kids up and out to start the day with some kind of breakfast thrown their way. A detour to the vet was thrown in today (checkup - no worries). I also got to dabble in paints, as an art show is coming up that my workplace will be participating in. By trying to play catch-up, I get a few more hours which are always welcome. Tuesday and Thursdays are my regular working days {work like a dog ;) }. At this rate I am going to have to invest in a new wardrobe almost. Messy, messy me is going to trash some of the questionable clothes in my repertoire of staples in the closet. I truly am not complaining though. While getting my hands dirty sometimes causes me deep-seated angst that rears its ugly head from my childhood, I am getting over it. Enough that I even volunteered to work today. Not Wednesday though. I have a date to take my girlies to visit their new school that they will be attending in September. Ahhhh! Run screaming from the thought that my little ones are growing up!!! It will all be better after I lay my head on the yoga mat that afternoon. Ohmmm. Yes.

So, I do have to admit one quick thing, before I sign off my ramble for the evening. Normally this post would have been a book review, as tonight I met with my book club. Alas, I fail today. Our book for the month was entitled "Seven Ravens: Two summers in a life by the sea", by Lesley Choyce. I have to admit that I have not finished the book as of yet. Really, I think I will struggle to finish the book. Normally I can find something good to say about most books.  By the description on the back jacket of the book, I was really looking forward to the book as well. It described the book as one man's journey through a difficult time (an undisclosed crisis) and how he works through it. 

Alas, it was all lies. Perhaps not lies, but I imagined that the book was going to be some kind of journey where the author was going to find wonderful epiphanies about life. If he did, he did not share them with us the readers. In discussing the book with fellow members of my book club, there were many who had high hopes and envisaged perhaps something akin to  "Eat, Love, Pray", by Elizabeth Gilbert. Not by a long shot. Sorry Lesley, but your book was as dry as dirt in my humble opinion. I hate admitting that (especially as I choose this particular book), but I almost fell asleep reading it last night in a desperate attempt to finish it for this evening's festivities. My eyes refused to cooperate and were shutting of their own volition. They did not want to be assaulted by the boring text and refused to play. I never fall asleep while reading, but I gave last night. Sigh... I will try to finish the book at some point, but I think that perhaps it is just time to move on. Better luck for the next book. 

As per our discussion this evening, perhaps we will just hold out hopes that year 2 of our little book club will bring some finer literature to the table. We are going to go the route of genres next year. My genre is poetry, which I love, but fear may be painful for some in our clan. Perhaps if you have any favourite poets out there you could send me a line for me to entice my reluctant readers with. What say you?
   

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Life is Good


 It certainly is! Wow!! This beautiful award was offered to me by the lovely and talented Suzicate over at The Water Witch's Daughter. She is funny, writes beautiful poetry, can shake her booty with all manner of munchkins and loves rocks, trees and water. What's not to like! And now she floors me by deciding that I am worthy of some bling from her. I am terribly honoured that she has recognized little ole me and my blog. Really and truly I am. Sweet! Her only request was to answer a few questions, which I will gladly do. So without further ado;



1. Do you believe in reincarnation?



In my twenties, I read many books on many esoteric topics. I discovered Richard Bach and flew with his friendly seagulls. You could stretch his concepts into reincarnation. Kinda. Anyway, even in much further days of yore I wondered what become of us after we died. My father passed away when I was five, and as the years passed, I wondered what he would have come back as. Was he that bird over there or perhaps the tree that was planted last week? Maybe he was the frog that hopped into the pond when we went to visit the other day? Hmm. Or was he anything at all? No one can know for sure. The Hindus and Buddhists believe in reincarnation. They both have a lot of interesting things to say. Are they correct in their suppositions on rebirth? It is a nice thought, but I am not sure exactly how it all works. I know that my Bradley is still with me whenever I need him or want to talk to him. I hear his words live within me. Will he be reborn some day? Time is an ethereal concept, so perhaps his rebirth will occur instantly for him, but take longer in the space that I live in at present. I just do not know. What I do suspect though, is that once energy is born, it cannot be extinguished easily. We are all energetic beings. Our bodies are our vessels, but they just might not be the be all and end all...
2. What is your favorite season and why?

I can say something nice about pretty much all of them. In the Fall, the leaves enchant with their myriad of colours. I always take my family portraits outside in amongst the leaves if at all possible. It is also the season of harvest. Last year I canned everything in sight with wild abandon. My family thought I was a little nuts, but I loved it. In winter, I love going for walks in fresh snow on a bright sunny day and making snow people with whomever will help. The Spring brings new growth, new flowers and the start of gardening season (Woohoo!). The days are getting longer and hope returns after the long winter and lack of sunlight. Summer though, is probably tops for me. I am a water baby and love going to the beach or ocean to swim. I love wearing sandals and throw away my socks for a season. All the plants in my garden give me huge delight and I constantly putter, prune and peek at the new things that happen every day. Ah, summer. You are my beauty!
3. If you could time travel, what time would you travel to and where in the world?
I probably would not be interested. It is hard enough to live in the present. The future is a scary thing, but I am sure full of promise. The past is just that; done. I would not go back and change a thing, as it has all brought me to today and that is where I am supposed to be. So while seeing the ancient pyramids being built would be neat, or visiting Stone Henge many moons ago would be cool, I prefer to stay put and see what today brings and look forward to tomorrow.
4. Your favorite place to be?
That has got to be near a body of water. I grew up close to the Great Lakes, which are great, but give me an ocean to watch rolling in and out and I am mesmerized. Failing that, I have spent immeasurable hours plunked beside streams listening to their babbling voices. That has always been a place of comfort and as close to meditation as anyone needs. 

5. If you had your choice to do anything you wanted for a day, what would it be?
Oh, fun! I would need lots of hours, as I would probably be in the garden for a while. Going for lunch with a friend and a glass of wine should be slid in somewhere. Oh, wait, I know! Spend the afternoon at a spa. Oh yeah! With a massage and pedicure, mmmm. That would be lovely.
Another option if it was a family day would be a day at the beach with my girlies. We all love love the water (all water signs) and that would make all of us happy. 


6. Are you a cat or dog person?
I have a cat sitting on my lap licking me at present and I love him for it now. When he or his other furry friend wakes me up in the middle of the night to be let in, or leaves me a present of cat pee in places where it shouldn't be I waver, but sorry my doggy friends the cats in my life are tops. (The whole stoop and scoop thing just grosses me out!)
7. Do you remember a particularly mad dream and if you do, what was it?
Recently, I had a particularly ominous dream. It was awful and I felt like a bad person  upon waking. The feeling lasted all day, despite admitting my horribleness to friends. They reminded me that it was a dream, but it was a hard one to shake. You see, in my dream I left my daughter in the vehicle. I ran into someone's house to grab something and was gone longer than expected. I got talking and could not tear myself away. When I finally returned, waving and smiling, I turned to put my keys in the lock. A cuff was thrown over my wrist. I was being arrested! I was being arrested for abandoning my child in a car. I felt horrible! I felt incredibly guilty. How could I do that to my poor baby! What a horrible person I was! What a horrendous Mother! I deserved to lose my child. Lock me up and throw away the key!! But it was just a dream. A dream. Those words did little to make me feel less like a bad person, but perhaps it was a warning.  I shudder remembering. Yech. Begone foul demon dreams!
8. Favorite food?
Got to be seafood. I love pretty much anything that comes from the sea. Or river. Or lake. In fact I got an invite to my neighbours for dinner as they caught a whole mess of little fishies and are willing to share! I am in my glory! Unfortunately there will probably not be lobster, crab legs, shrimp or even scallops to go with, as those delicacies are not in abundance in South Western Ontario waters (except from the grocery store). I will be there with bells on though! Oh, and don't forget wine to wash it all down with! Yum :)

9. Books or TV?
As with Suzi, I am a book person. I do have a TV in my house, but it doesn't get much action beyond Treehouse (kid's cartoons for my American friends). On the rare occasion I might rent movies, but give me a book any day to curl up with.

10. Star sign?
Egad! I too am a Cancer. I knew there was a reason why I liked Suzi. And yes, I am a true Cancer girl through and through. Home body (most of the time), although with a penchant to travel. Emotions are not just worn on my sleeve, I have gowns and gowns made of them. I love to love and feel beyond all else. I guess that is what helps out the poetry. :) 
And that is that! I apologize if I am overly wordy, but hey that's me! Please visit Suzicate, if you get a chance. I know you will like her as much as I do. If you want to give this quiz a whirl, she left in some other options too; 
If you wish, you can substitute any of the following questions for any of those above:
“Name five things on your “bucket list” that you have not yet accomplished.”
“Choose a symbol that represents you best and why”
“Your favorite element and why”

Have a marvelous Sunday!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sexy superheros shine under moon divine

Sexy superheros shine 

under moon divine. 

Playing along at Six Word Saturday.

The full moon was actually Thursday, but it was still pretty full last night when we went out. The party was fun and many of the costumes rocked. Elvis was spotted (old fat dude), as were the Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Wolverine, Captain America, a couple of Wonder Womans, Duff Man, and even Buddha and Jesus were there! We were inundated by Super Daves (groomsmen)and Super Brides Maids, which added to the fun. I aspired to sleep in again, as it was a late night, but it was not to be. The day is a'wasting though, so I am off to grab it by the heels and fly! Have a Super Saturday! 


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